For Those Who Wonder

My personal blog to throw my feelings on a page where I won't be judged.

I remember the little Cosmo brownies everyday.
I remember the warm, delicious tea every morning.
I regret never knowing the recipe.

I was once told that my mother didn’t love me because she wouldn’t let me stay up and read my bible. If that isn’t religion, I don’t know what it is.
MY MOTHER. Of all people. How could that even have been said? Sacrificing all logic so you could get what you wanted. That’s all you ever did.
My mother was caring for me and making sure I got enough sleep so I could be well rested. She did the best she could.
What did you do?
You made me lose sleep.
You made me cry myself to bed most nights.
You made me feel like the worst failure. The lowest of lows.
Never again will I fall under that.
I have been set free and now I’m dancing!

It’s been awhile since I’ve been sad or upset.
But I’d know this feeling anywhere. It starts in the center of my stomach and just branches out. The ache that takes over my every thought till everything I think is covered in a shadow. This pain I’d know anywhere.
I haven’t missed this feeling one bit. But some sick part of me is comforted at its return.

http://slavichelena.tumblr.com/post/80841163101/i-cant-remember-the-smell-of-your-shirt-in-my »

slavichelena:

I cant remember the smell of your shirt in my face.
I cant remember the touch of your hands on my skin.
I’ve forgotten the colorof your eyes, the sound of your laugh.
These aren’t just words. I sat there and tried to remember the feeling of running my fingers through your hair and I just…

Ive moved on for sure. But there’s still a part of me that wants to hold on to these good memories. But with some memories comes all memories. Ill never go back but they never leave.
At what point do they become a burdon.

slavichelena:

seanyponey:

seanyponey:

How can everything line up in your life when you havent changed? How can your world be forever altered without you doing anything? How can you talk to someone for 4 hours and not get bored? How can you become the happiest guy in the world in just two months?
Es porque yo encuentro la Chica perfecta para mí. Y la Chica esta bonita inteligente y más bueno que todas las chicks en el mundo

slavichelena

Isn’t he wonderful.

So this kid. He kills me. I don’t even know what to say. I haven’t told you guys about him. But thats just because I’ve been happy. I should have documented better but oh well. 

I broke down guys. I dated a guy in IB. Who knew I would stoop this low. And a loser jock, too. 

I absolutely kidding. The number of times I talked myself out of talking to this kid because I said it wouldn’t be worth it and he’d turn out like the rest. 2 years later. Boom. This kid shows up out of no where and shoots me right out of the sky. Talk about respectful. Hilarious. Intelligent. and not to mention very good looking. He’s a wrestler. That means I can’t win any fights. We started talking around late November on snapchat because of this other girl. And we kind of got hooked. Just like enjoying eachothers company. Then it got into December and we realized huh, we talk ALL THE TIME. Then at the beginning of break it was kind of like we knew we liked each other and so we talked about it. I told him my conditions, honestly knowing he would just give up on me because I had so many restrictions and he would think its boring.

Well, he did leave. for about a week we didn’t talk at all. January 6th we both showed up at school. 2nd period physics class. I see him. He won’t look at me. But the more I look at him the more i realized that I wanted him to look back at me. He did once. I smiled. He gave me a half smile. over the course of the next two days we warmed back up. I probably shouldnt have but I regret nothing now. 

He told me he wouldn’t mind not doing physical things. He would be fine not kissing me. But that being my boyfriend would be an honor. 

This boy was trying to kill me. I really liked him. And he was willing to comply. Winner. So we admitted the mutual feelings fully. He asked me out, I said no but because an official relationship was not what I needed. with school and with my parents. 

Now with the past 3 months, I really care about this kid. I really do. We aren’t facebook official but its official enough for us. We know the other isn’t going to be leaving any time soon. We are just waiting for my parents to get used to the idea of a guy in my life. 

The day I realized I was hooked was sometime in February. But I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want our anniversary date to be in February xD So March 1st is our day :) 

This guy is amazing guys. 

So I guess I only make posts on here when I’m feeling emotional. But seriously. I don’t know what to do. I thought I had everything figured out. But I’m still alone. I go through the constant tear of wanting to be good for the sake of everyone and myself and then being terrible and giving into my desires of the flesh and totally being wreckless. homosexuality, drinking, weed, sex, etc i know id regret all those things so i dont do it. but its still there in the back of my mind. I need to refresh again. 

Seeing tv shows or movies with teens drinking or doing drugs and making out/having sex makes me consider doing that. I don’t know why. And that’s not good. But it’s a nagging in the back of my mind that says a tiny little taste never hurt anybody.

So My birthday is today

And I cried three times. One, at the sermon this morning because it was about miscarriages and babies. The second, because Sean texted me saying happy birthday with a smiley face. This is the guy that a week ago said we weren’t friends but he still remembered and said something. Then the third time after church I went to my car and my favorite drink was sitting there on my car. There’s only two people who know that and its Sean and Kevin. Odds are it wasn’t Kevin. So Sean made me cry. I was bawling. The happy birthday text was unexpected but the drink was beyond anything I could have ever expected. 

Now I sit here, after my sisters have left, waiting around for the day to end, its 8:41 and I’m still waiting for one more text. I couldn’t care about anything else except that one thing. I’m waiting for him to say Happy Birthday. He of all people would have remembered. And I know he does. I know him. But he hasn’t yet. I mean, its two words. But there’s something telling him no. 

Anyways, tomorrow is MLKJ day. Woo, three day weekend. And I can’t even remember my homework.

Done.

Hey guys, you want to know something? I did it. I finally did it. It actually happened two weeks ago. But I didn’t put it to words til now. It took almost 6 months but I did it. The emotional ties? Gone. The tears? Done for. The joy? Back here to stay. I have so much to be happy about. 
I really got to know myself in these past couple months. And I’ve gotten to know my God. If I could go back and do it all again, I’m sure I would’ve made better choice. But it was learning process. Six months. A half of a year. I am officially moved on. I’m better and stronger than ever. No more crying over heartbreak because I’m not a little girl anymore. 
I guess you could call this… character development.