For Those Who Wonder

My personal blog to throw my feelings on a page where I won't be judged.

The best is to forget.

Forget about it.

Don’t forget the memories.

But don’t let memories turn into hopes.

I know my heart and my mind and thats what matters. 

See him, talk wiht him. Expect nothing. Life is easier with no expectations.

Even if he will sit and talk with you for hours. Nothing wrong with being just friends. If anything its the best of both worlds, eh?

I just still adjusting and thats okay. :)

Hey You, yeah you

I’m going to post this on here because I need it. But i would like to talk to you about it sometime.

Today after he left I was upset and I couldn’t pinpoint why. To find out why I went down a list of what I want and don’t want when it comes to Sean. 

I don’t want a relationship.

I don’t necessarily want to be physical with anyone.

I don’t want some fling at a party.

But I do want to talk.

I do want to spend time, talking about things that actually matter.

I don’t want him back, but I do. 

But a relationship would be devastating for my future. 

I want someone to rely on. 

I was upset because I wanted someone to rely on and right now I’m not sure if I can rely on Sean because even though he says he cares, he could stop caring. There’s nothing him, or anyone, in my life. Thats why I had that feeling.

I was also thinking and put into words something I couldn’t before.

The door is still open. It doesn’t feel like a definite no. The main reasons for the end were school(grades, IB, etc), future, and freedom.

The main reasons for end longterm(meaning, why cant we just wait?) are long distance does not work with Sean, physical touch is high up on the list of importance. 

I think its safe to say that the main reason the relationship ended was not because of something I did. He doesn’t hate me or find me a complete annoyance/ turn off. So the thing keeping it from happening is school(which is HUGE) and freedom. 

So I think the door for feelings will continue to stay open for the both of us (yes this is a guess but I’m thinking outloud with half the facts) unless he 1)finds something terribly wrong with me that he cannot stand or 2)we go to college and lose touch and never see eachother again.

(As a semi-educated guess) I don’t think the feelings will ever be resolved unless one(or preferably both so one person isn’t hung up on the feelings) move on and find a relationship where they are happier(during college) which causes them not to want to go back. 

If that doesn’t happen then I believe the door will still be open. 

The issue wasn’t the people, it was the circumstance. (school)

I think that makes sense. Those feelings will never really go away unless there is someone else that makes them happier, or if we never speak again and are forced to move on through distance. 

The magical pony in my head wants to explore what happens if we are both single after college and meet up for lunch. 

So this explains the feeling of doom I had earlier because I won’t et this hold me back from achieving what I’m meant to achieve. But I know my mind in this respect and am assuming (from what I know) that it will be similar for him. 

We will see, not holding my breath but people are fascinating. 

Oh and he also said if I didn’t have a date to prom he would take me. (Don’t get satisfaction from this, I just have to document it.)

slavichelena:

Favorite part of yesterday:(I actually don’t have a favorite part except “You have five minutes or else I get to do the thing” but this is a close second)

"I know you have social issues." It was the understanding that someone knew the flaws about me but wasn’t scared or turned away completely by it.

slavichelena:

So, cute thing. Sean got me two stuffed animals while we were together. One near the beginning and one near the end. The first was for Valentines and its a little bear. I named him Del.
the second is a dachshund puppy that he got in Germany because he knows I adore dachshunds. I named him Lux after Luxembourg.
Del and Lux. Del means of or from or beginning. And lux means light. Of light. From light. Light is pure. Pure beginnings.
I dont know. I thought it was cool and it was unplanned.

slavichelena:

Remember when we went to Central Florida fair? Our first date. I adored it. Lets go back. There’s a first for everything.

slavichelena:

Hey, don’t go on your blog, you wouldn’t want to see anything that would remind you that things were great.

[Reverse psychology

Look on your blog. That post is so cute.