For Those Who Wonder

My personal blog to throw my feelings on a page where I won't be judged.


Hey, don’t go on your blog, you wouldn’t want to see anything that would remind you that things were great.

[Reverse psychology

Look on your blog. That post is so cute.

Feeling good


I can feel that my body is happy. I lost 15 lbs and since catching up on my sleep I can feel the difference. We actually ran out of floss so I haven’t been able to floss in a while but I just got some and now my mouth is happy. Its not that I’m starving myself its just I look at the food and think to myself “I don’t need that, I’m good.” and when I start eating a lot my stomach reminds me that its not actually that hungry.

Its exciting. Band will continue, Spanish comes naturally, wrestling is right around the corner, homework is manageable with a new mind set.

It won’t always be easy but I’m doing the best that I can


  • Spanish Teacher: "You guys are going to need to really study this vocab because think about it, how many of you would be able to have a full conversation in spanish about the internet and technology? That's right, no one."
  • *Me in the back thinking to myself* Actually. I constantly read spanish through my phone and ipod so I think I could survive a five minute oral in spanish...
  • I can't even tell the difference between her spanish and english. Probably because of the american accent.


I’m not one to trudge up things that were said that are now not valid but…

You constantly told me you would never leave. You said you will never be the one that leaves. I didnt believe you, being that it was my biggest fear, being alone. But slowly as time passed I believe you. I put my fears aside and trusted you.

So don’t expect me to be okay. I mean, I’m not all the time. And thats okay. I’m allowed to be not okay. Because I trusted you with my most crippling fear, and you threw it back in my face.

Granted, it would be unfair of me to make you stay somewhere where you were unhappy. But just a reminder if you ever feel guilty like I know you did today. Or if you ever see me crying or broken. You knew my weakness and now I have to work on fixing the things I let you into. My fault, but don’t you ever for one second say “OH, she should be fine. She needs to get over it.”

Fear is a powerful thing. It can get into people’s bones and cripple them.

But I’m still walking. I might limp from time to time but I will never stop walking. 


I was better off expecting nothing from you. So right now I’m saying screw it. You made that decision, not me. You’ll have regrets but you won’t see me standing around waiting for you to come to your senses. I won’t wait on you. I can’t let someone else drag me down. Seeing you with someone else would tear me apart, but waiting for you to come back would do much worse. Friends, yes. Five periods out of the day its kind of hard not to be. But nothing more. No more expectations. Everything I say and do will be solely out of enjoyment and living life because if I try and say the things I think you want me to say, well thats not me then is it? I will be me and do things the way Helena does them. Not the way she thinks Sean wants her to be.

If you have something to say, say it. You know me. 


 I hope you find your place, bud. I sincerely hope you find friends that won;t just take from you. I hope you find people to build you up.


Through it all I realize that I’m only okay because I don’t expect anything of you. Even though I saw the looks that you didn’t intend for me to see. Even now I expect nothing but Civilty.
So if that’s the case, why do I get nervous at the thought of seeing you?