For Those Who Wonder

My personal blog to throw my feelings on a page where I won't be judged.


It’s not that I am focusing on his problems. But more so I realized my
problems aren’t that bad because I know the answers. It was just getting
the willpower to enact those answers. I didn’t want to give up. But it
would destroy me to stay. I could sit in my filth and pity myself, or I can
come out of this strong, learn from it, and move on to important things
like my future. I’m excited. Yeah, I might relapse, but thats okay. Not
everyone is perfect. But its NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. I have my whole life
ahead of me and I can’t put it on pause now in the most crucial time of development. Amen.


Everyone doesn’t need to know all the details. And it won’t kill you to not tell them. If anything you’ll be happier.

“Delete her number.

Stop ringing her. Stop messaging her. Stop making excuses to see her, to drop by her place.

Erase her name from memory. Remove yourself from her life, more completely than you would like but as completely as she deserves. Move on, so that you can allow her to also move on. When you close your eyes, you don’t get to see her face. Not anymore. You don’t get to think about her lips, the warm glow of her skin when she rests next to you, or how she squeezes your hand in her sleep. You are not allowed to remember the smell of her perfume, that she only drinks mint tea (with two dollops of honey), or that she loves you.

She loves you.

She has been in love with you for too long.

So, forget how she says your name. Forget how she calls your name. Forget how she screams your name. Forget that time you got sick and she stayed up with you all night, letting you lay your head in her lap and holding a cold compress to your forehead. Forget how her hair feels in your fingers. Forget how she looks in your sweatshirts.

Forget her.

Know only that she existed at one point in your life, but relinquish all hope that she could exist at another point — sometime in the future that you are unwilling to specify because you don’t know what you want. Yet. It is not fair for you to swoop in and out of her life as you choose. It is not fair for you to say that you are satisfied with “things as they are” and you will have time to “figure it out” later. Let her stop investing emotionally in you. Let her pour that love and care into the people who deserve her.

Don’t tell her that you think about her all the time. Don’t tell her that it bothers you to hear about her with other people, but that you’re willing to understand as long as she likes you more than them. Don’t tell her that this isn’t the right moment but that there will be a right moment. There is not going to be a right moment. She shouldn’t have to wait for the right moment.

Don’t tell her that you can’t handle ultimatums, that you don’t like the idea of finally adding finality to your relationship — whatever still remains of it.

What you are telling her is that you want to keep her on as an option, that you are taking her for granted, that you want to know she will be there, that you can depend on her at the end of the day. When you find that no one else has stuck around or that those who have are less interesting, less thoughtful, or less doggedly loyal to you.

Doggedly loyal to you.

That is what she has been to you, for you almost as long as you have known her: a constant emotional crutch, the guarantee of stability, a safety net while you reachvout to grasp objects that sparkle and shine far greater than she does. All that glitters is not gold, haven’t you heard?

She is fire. You are ice, and you are afraid that her slow burn will smolder your cool, hard demeanor. That’s what has driven your decisions, your actions all along: fear. You are a coward. You are a hypocrite. You are terrified to let her go, but you are afraid she is too good for you, that she could drive you wild, that you would choke on her flames. That she is too much for you to handle right now.

Right now.

But if you choose not to love her now, you can’t choose to love her later.”

A text post has never made me tear up before. Shit (via positiveclarity)


(via manfrado)


(via laughingistheremedy)

I love this so damn much

(via ex-hallee)

Okay I have two totally unrelated things.

I didn’t even want someone. I was doing fine. Maybe a bit lonely, but I put up a fight. I wasn’t going to make rash decisions based on loneliness. But you insisted. So I gave in, willingly. I gave you everything I could in that time. So why is it that you were the one who left? I’m still trying to wrap my head around that one. Because that is something I will never understand, and it kind of hurts so bear with me. Please, if you can rationalize that at all, please let me know because it just doesn’t make sense. 

Thing number two that is completely unrelated to one.

I wish I could stop this thought. This dark, unnatural thought. I hate it because I know its bad, but I want to do it anyways. 

I want to know what it feels like to watch a knife slide across skin again. Beautiful brown skin being separated. Feeling the bumps of the scars. Trust me, I know this is unnatural and disgusting but its in my head and I want to get it out. The question asked is “Doesn’t it hurt?” and I guess my answer is “Not that bad.” and thats sick. But the only way I can deal with these things is if I get them out. I enjoy it. The pain isn’t deterring, especially when I barely even cut the skin. Its just the idea and the feeling afterwards. I like touching the scars.

Trust me, I know I’m screwed up, you’re probably thinking that I’m crazy. But I cant help it. And its not like this feeling is constant.It comes nd goes every couple months. Never for long and I haven’t cut myself since 18 months ago. But right now the feeling is there.