So I guess I only make posts on here when I’m feeling emotional. But seriously. I don’t know what to do. I thought I had everything figured out. But I’m still alone. I go through the constant tear of wanting to be good for the sake of everyone and myself and then being terrible and giving into my desires of the flesh and totally being wreckless. homosexuality, drinking, weed, sex, etc i know id regret all those things so i dont do it. but its still there in the back of my mind. I need to refresh again.
Seeing tv shows or movies with teens drinking or doing drugs and making out/having sex makes me consider doing that. I don’t know why. And that’s not good. But it’s a nagging in the back of my mind that says a tiny little taste never hurt anybody.
So My birthday is today
And I cried three times. One, at the sermon this morning because it was about miscarriages and babies. The second, because Sean texted me saying happy birthday with a smiley face. This is the guy that a week ago said we weren’t friends but he still remembered and said something. Then the third time after church I went to my car and my favorite drink was sitting there on my car. There’s only two people who know that and its Sean and Kevin. Odds are it wasn’t Kevin. So Sean made me cry. I was bawling. The happy birthday text was unexpected but the drink was beyond anything I could have ever expected.
Now I sit here, after my sisters have left, waiting around for the day to end, its 8:41 and I’m still waiting for one more text. I couldn’t care about anything else except that one thing. I’m waiting for him to say Happy Birthday. He of all people would have remembered. And I know he does. I know him. But he hasn’t yet. I mean, its two words. But there’s something telling him no.
Anyways, tomorrow is MLKJ day. Woo, three day weekend. And I can’t even remember my homework.
Hey guys, you want to know something? I did it. I finally did it. It actually happened two weeks ago. But I didn’t put it to words til now. It took almost 6 months but I did it. The emotional ties? Gone. The tears? Done for. The joy? Back here to stay. I have so much to be happy about.
I really got to know myself in these past couple months. And I’ve gotten to know my God. If I could go back and do it all again, I’m sure I would’ve made better choice. But it was learning process. Six months. A half of a year. I am officially moved on. I’m better and stronger than ever. No more crying over heartbreak because I’m not a little girl anymore.
I guess you could call this… character development.
Why is it only after I straighten my hair that suddenly all these compliments come out of no where.
Rhetorical question. Don’t answer.
With that said, its almost impossible not to think “Okay, whats wrong with curly hair? Is it not pretty enough?” There’s no way to make curly hair look good unless you’re a European model.
I can’t take it anymore. They seriously have no respect for anyone. What the heck has this come to. I can’t be around them anymore. It’s just an utter lack of understanding, consideration, and respect.
Fat, Failure, Fake
I just want you to text me back. Just one little thing to know its okay.
I accomplished a lot of things today and I couldn’t be more proud. Today I auditioned for the all-county band for the third time. But this time was different. This time I went in prepared and knowing that whatever I play in that room is the best of my ability. With that, I had a fantastic audition, compared to last years audition. And I know the only reason I was able to accomplish this today was my faith in God. He’s the only reason why I know who I am and have the confidence and happiness that I do.
Gosh freaking dangit I love the song River Flows in You by Yiruma. I just can’t get over it.